Wow.

How much has life changed since I last wrote here. Reading it made me want to jump back into the words and rewrite them scribble out the future as fast as I could.

dont go dont go dont go.

I hate september. the summer took me. it took alot of me. i left pieces of myself in different places. i hope to return to some of those places to find those pieces again.

i know you didnt mean it. but you made me almost cry. missed my calling? missed it? its what makes me get up in the morning. its what gives me no rest. missed it. God knows i dont even know what that feels like..and i dont plan on knowing.

It was really sad actually. Not sad like how some things are potentially sad. Not like it rains on the day you plan to go to the beach sad.

i woke up and tried to remember. really really remember. remember from real life. but then ...the time came when your dreams start to seep back into your consciuossness..and you start to remeber the swirl of stories and magic of circumstance..and then it all got confused..like the two memories got crossed and they became one in the same and i wanted so badly for it not to be my dream but i think it was. im still trying to convince myself that that wasnt the case.and that i was just too tired that night to remember what happened. i dont know.in any case, it made me really really sad..maybe it will happen again and ill know for sure. that would be kinda nice.

i dont have a clue. just a feeling.

today i was very angry at first..because all i want to do is get away and everything keeps pulling me back. but i have to do some major checking with myself and realize that this isnt all about me me me..God may have me somehwere..whether i like it or not for others purposes. maybe this time isnt for me..but for someone else. who that someone else is i dont know. im still looking for that box that im told ive had for a while that i just need to open up and take it or my own. i still dont know what that means, but God please, show me what or who that box is and ill open it like a kid on christmas morning.