I love how by looking at the photographs, one could take it for being in the middle of summer. Engagement shoots are wonderful and I was so honored to take them for this wonderful couple.

It was absolutely freezing-but it was all worth it.

may it be known that

I am not ashamed of what I say.

or what I think.

or of what I paint, draw, photograph.

I am not ashamed of what I believe.

just when I needed it God always sends those little reminders our way. the reassurance reminders.

he proudly told me his name. "..Gabriel..did you know I was named after an angel?!"

I didnt say it out loud, but I wanted to say that even if I I didnt know his name, I already knew that.

God is good.

God is faithful.

God knows the number of hairs on our head.

God is not limited to our perception.

our flawed flawed perception.

God must save me.

because surely I need it.

Dave and Samantha's wedding was beautiful, and one of my favorites to photograph by far. God completely honored everyones prayers by giving us no rain. By giving me no rain. Clear day. Clouds clouds everywhere, but no rain...perfection.

I have a horrible headache.

Mindy Smith..

THE mindy smith..

Is going to be playing in the city on october 6th..Oh PLEASE help me not to be closing that day!!!

I NEED to see her. I NEED to.

I dont care Ill go alone gladly, I want to go SOOOO SOOOO BADDD

oh goodness.

AHHH!!!!!!!

God showed me today alright. I needed it. A good kick in the head.

Seriously, who do I think I am anyway?

In other news, the girls from work invited me to go to the city with them, they are so sweet all of them, God just give me your heart for them all. Even the ones that arent so easy to love.

today saw the most incredible thing. A black and white lady bug. It was pretty magical. It was really incredible honestly..i even got to hold it in my hand.

Jamie said shes got a plan. But I'm not so sure that plan should even be around. I'm going to look to stupid in the end I just know it. Why don't things ever change.

I realized something today, and im so exhausted but I really think its important. I realized today that we are here for what only 70 80 years about right? I'm 23..that's really not that much time when you consider how long it took for human kind to become what it is today. Ive been having sooo much anxiety over where my art should be what I should be doing with it and everything and it hit me right in the head today..what have I made this? Ive made it all about me. Where can I be seen where can I be discovered where who what do I need to get to where I want to be..and all the while,, my art belongs to God, and if He wants my art to sit in my basement then if that serves some purpose thats where it will be. He has given me so much, a job that I absolutely love, with people that are great,and im making money,and still doing photoshoots, God has provided soo much..and I sit here and whine over why im not famous? Please. I need to check myself alot. Ive still got issues. But, I think that Ive tapped into a thought that needs to stay close close to my heart at all times. If it doesnt, Ill surely, surely crumble.

doesnt anyone just fall in love anymore?

ugh. seriously, what is everyone even waiting for? What stops people really. Im so sick of watching the world not make up their mind. I mean please, Ive got my issues, but at least I know what I want and what I dont, isnt that normal at this age?

Today was a fun day at work . Dana invited me out with the other starbucks crew for her birthday, I actually am truly looking forawrd to it, I mean I would have gone, just because its her birthday, i want to get her something nice, i think im gonna get her something pinup, becuse shes would appreciate that.

to be continued...

And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:3

a fairytale?

fairy tales my friend are in your own imagination

so look around and imagine the fairy tale you are in

I can assure you

quarter life crisis here i come.

its been hitting me hard. none of this is working the way it should.

what is wrong i want to know so badly. ugh i cannot shake these chills from me for anything

im begging you anything.

anything.

and all i really want is some patience

to deal with you

when your strung out on apathy and self appreciation

i was always one to leave quietly and let the silence speak for itself. its better to keep people guessing than to make yourself clear if your thoughts are worth seeing right through. people who need to be called out on things dont really deserve to hear what you have to say anyway, so why rip that string of pearls off your neck when it can sit pretty the whole time

i am so tired. my ears are tired. i want to hear new, see new smell new. taste new feel new. fear new. pray new.

i cant do this alone. how does anyone do it alone without You.

Im alive.

Oh God.

none of this is coincidence is it.

forgive me for not realizing it. any of it. I think I see everything completely different now.

gravity

it makes me happy in the moment..

but afterwards I feel really sad.

like playing the piano with one hand..on a rainy day and the music is somewhere else.

id like to think that things will change one day, for everyone not just me. sometimes when I really look at myself i cant tell what is real or not, and to be honest i cant tell which reality you fall into, sometimes you are in one and sometimes you are in both. Sometimes, i want things simple, and its nice to have it sometimes, but what comes after is always so complicated.

I still dont think that i deserve any of this.

So my dad asked me about the tattoo again. He didnt really say too much, not like last time. So there are only a few more people to ask. after all, the tattoo is only as permanent as i am.

sometimes when you smile at me, i smile back, not because im happy that your smiling at me, but because I feel your little pains and i want you to know that I love you over them. I smile at you because I want you to understand that im here, and i know that you love me in the way that you understand, even if its not the kind of love that most people chase after their whole lives.

its funny what everyones saying at work..i dont have the heart to tell them the deal. haha. i guess itll be my little secret. whatever.

sometimes i wish you would kind of prove me wrong.

but you never really do.

abagail washburn

crooked still

bree sharp

i love you.

Wow.

How much has life changed since I last wrote here. Reading it made me want to jump back into the words and rewrite them scribble out the future as fast as I could.

dont go dont go dont go.

I hate september. the summer took me. it took alot of me. i left pieces of myself in different places. i hope to return to some of those places to find those pieces again.

i know you didnt mean it. but you made me almost cry. missed my calling? missed it? its what makes me get up in the morning. its what gives me no rest. missed it. God knows i dont even know what that feels like..and i dont plan on knowing.

It was really sad actually. Not sad like how some things are potentially sad. Not like it rains on the day you plan to go to the beach sad.

i woke up and tried to remember. really really remember. remember from real life. but then ...the time came when your dreams start to seep back into your consciuossness..and you start to remeber the swirl of stories and magic of circumstance..and then it all got confused..like the two memories got crossed and they became one in the same and i wanted so badly for it not to be my dream but i think it was. im still trying to convince myself that that wasnt the case.and that i was just too tired that night to remember what happened. i dont know.in any case, it made me really really sad..maybe it will happen again and ill know for sure. that would be kinda nice.

i dont have a clue. just a feeling.

today i was very angry at first..because all i want to do is get away and everything keeps pulling me back. but i have to do some major checking with myself and realize that this isnt all about me me me..God may have me somehwere..whether i like it or not for others purposes. maybe this time isnt for me..but for someone else. who that someone else is i dont know. im still looking for that box that im told ive had for a while that i just need to open up and take it or my own. i still dont know what that means, but God please, show me what or who that box is and ill open it like a kid on christmas morning.

I should been doing other things. Or should I have been...Its been way too long. back to the classic places. Fresh, free, rooted.

Its been a long time...

city all day tommorrow. project to do for class at the Met. everything leads back to that place it seems. the city and the met alike.